Sept 11, 2011

Today I am remembering what happened 10 years ago, along with the rest of the world. I don't know why I picked today to blog, but it is long overdue regardless. Possibly because of he emotion today has brought, following an extremely emotional month in my life.

I realize that I should have jumped on here a month ago when I got the best news of my life. Blogging had turned in to an afterthought for me over the summer, so I guess the thought just never entered my mind. Regardless, I'm here now to record the entries in a "diary" I was  keeping at the time and write about how I am feeling at the present time.

August 9th, 2011 at 7:20pm
Today I found out that I am 100% absolutely, positively pregnant. I am ecstatic. After over a year of trying, we finally have a tiny miracle on the way. I am excited to be a mother and to see Bryan become the incredible father I know he can be.
Today is a life changing day and I couldn't be happier!    Mandy

August 13, 2011 at 3:28pm
It has been a rough couple of days. I went to the ER on the 10th to ask about cramping and brown discharge I had been experiencing. To make a long story short, it has a huge waste of time. The doctor spent the first 5 minutes trying to convince me that I wasn't pregnant, until I told him I had done 2 pregnancy tests that came out positive. Then he tested my urine for an infection and it came back negative. He told me there was nothing that could be done this early in the pregnancy, but I don't believe that. What if it was ectopic? There has to be some way to tell. He really didn't care about what was going on with me, and it showed.
We told Bryan's parents about the pregnancy on the 11th. They were both extremely happy to be grandparents again. We also told Bryan's brother and sister-in-law. We couldn't get ahold of my parents that night.
On the 12th, I went to the bathroom in the evening and found blood in the toilet and when I wiped.
that day had been the first day with no cramping, but now I was bleeding. I broke down and cried, assuming the worst was happening. I finally got ahold of my mom and told her the news, both good and bad. She assured me that a little blood was nothing to worry about and I should try to rest as much as possible.
Today, I am doing exactly that. We might go to Houlton tomorrow, but I am going to try to do the same.
I've decided to tell my boss about the pregnancy on Monday. Techs do a lot of things that may be harmful to an unborn baby, so I'm going to need to avoid those situations as much as possible. I just hope she doesn't regret hiring me for a permanent position. Hopefully everything will work out for the best.    Mandy

August 16th, 2011 at 8:19am
The relaxing weekend didn't help my situation. Blood flow picked up on the weekend and I would say I lost about 35-40ml of blood in total, maybe more. If I didn't miscarry, I'll be very surprised. I'm going to my doctor's office this morning to get some answers and hopefully get some blood testing done to see where my levels are at. I'm hoping for the best, but part of me already aches for what I think the outcome is going to be. I feel different today, like I'm not pregnant any more.     Mandy

That was when me entries stopped. My doctor was a breath of fresh air. She was openly concerned about my situation and told me that we need to figure out what's going on. I went to the lab and got my blood levels tested that morning. I didn't get my results until the day after (Tuesday the 17th). My blood HCG was a 7. I would have been almost 6 weeks, and that level should be well in to the thousands. It was official, but my doctor still wanted me to get my levels tested on Wednesday just to have a number to compare to. My level on Wednesday was 2. I had experienced a miscarriage and was devastated. I came home from work and broke down in Bryan's arms. We both cried and he told me everything was going to be ok. I just couldn't get over the fact that I had been pregnant and that I had been so easily stripped of my miracle. We had been trying for over a year to become parents and just when we thought our dream had come true, it turned into our worst nightmare.
That weekend we had a trip to the lake planned. I didn't feel up to going, but it had been planned for months and I figured being surrounded by people to love and support us was going to be a lot easier than sitting at home wondering what I had done wrong and why I didn't deserve to be a mother. We should have been celebrating and making baby plans, but instead I walked around trying not to look like I had just gone through the worst week of my life. 
I spoke to my doctor on Monday the 22nd. She explained that I had experienced a complete miscarriage, meaning that my body neatly did what it was meant to do. She suspected it had been caused by a blighted ovum, where the cells meant to develop into a baby don't function correctly, and the body recognizes that and miscarries. She told me not to blame myself, there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. She counseled me to the best of her ability and answered my questions, but I still ached from the news. Just talking about it made me want to break down. She told me that we should wait a couple of months before trying again in order to mentally recover from what had just happened, and I can completely understand why. The fact that everyone around us knew what was going on was just adding insult to injury, not to mention my own personal agony going on inside my head. It will take a long time to heal from this, to be able to go one day without thinking about how far along I would have been, whether or not I would be showing yet, how my first ultrasound would have gone, what the heartbeat would have sounded like, how I would have decorated the nursery, how thrilled my parents would have been at the chance to become grandparents for the first time, how badly I just want to be able to hold my baby in my arms.

Candy Rant and my Wednesday Plan

I'm trying to cut back on the sugar in my diet due to my last visit to the dentist, which warranted a lecture from my dentist and some concerned advice from the tech about my teeth and the state that they're in. I have had 13 cavities filled in the past year. In my defense, I had managed to avoid that chair for the previous 6 years, which I'm sure didn't help. Regardless, after my last 2 were filled, the dentist told me the direct cause of the cavities was sugar. Now, I have always been a big sugar fan but I honestly didn't think that I ate enough to literally rot the teeth out of my head. She told me to cut back on it, plain and simple. I talked with the assistant, who informed me that some people are just more susceptible to tooth decay than others, and that I need to step up my flossing if I want to stay ahead of it.

Needless to say, I'm hating this sugar crisis. It has always been a slight addiction of mine. I drink it in my coffee, I snack on it, I bake with it, I cook with it, and there is sugar in almost everything!! Everything good anyway... bleh.

Oh well, I don't have much of a choice if I want to avoid having dentures before I'm 30.

TTC Update: I'm 13 DPO (since I'm writing this at 5:14am...) and so far have had nothing but BFN's and major cramping, with a couple throbbing headaches to round things out. AF should grace me with her presence today. Oh well, I'm having a stress free Wednesday just to spite it all!! I'm going to make homemade chicken soup, homemade vanilla and lavender scented soap, do a little reading, maybe make some jewelry, play with my dogs, and go out on a date with the love of my life! Sounds pretty darn perfect to me :)

10 10 10

Well, it is the 10th day of April. I am 10 DPO and this is our 10th month of trying. I thought the stars may have been aligning for us today, so I tested. BFN.

9 DPO on the 9th

Today I'm 9 DPO on my final TTC cycle until July. I have had some mixed emotions this cycle (as seen in a recent YouTube VLOG...) but my hopes are up so high right now, it scares me. Bryan's are too. I took a HPT on 7 DPO and 8 DPO, then I was so crushed I didn't even bother with today. On top of this, the idea of leaving Bryan again for 3 months makes my stomach turn. We do grow from them and it allows me focus 100% on my work, but I hate it. 3 months is way too long to be without the person you love, AND your amazing dogs and cuddly kitties :(


I am looking forward to seeing my parents. With everything my dad has been through, it will be nice to spend a week with them before school starts (and any following weekends that I can spare the time). Mostly I'm looking forward to being finished school!! Forever!! We have been looking at houses and discussing future plans a lot more frequently lately, so I guess this 3 month break is just a stepping stone before the ball really gets rolling! Kind of exciting when I put it that way... :D

Positive Vibes

Alright, this is going to be a positive post!

After 3 days of + OPKs my temp finally shifted. FF says that if we conceive this cycle, the due date would be December 23rd (my birthday!!!). That would be the best birthday present imaginable.

I've found another relatively new hobby, slightly related to an old one. It is crocheting with wire. I found some really neat ideas online and I think I could really get in to it. I'm going to get started on it ASAP and post some pictures as I complete my projects.

My 3 month trip back to AB begins in 18 days, which is kind of bittersweet. I'm excited to see my family, friends, schoolmates, and finish my course. On the other hand, it's 3 months of unemployment and being away from Bryan and our furr babies. I'm sure it will fly by and I'm just going to enjoy the time I have with family. Positive thoughts!

Changes

A lot has gone on in a very short amount of time. It would be startling if I didn't feel so numb over it all.

Where to begin...

I had a scare recently involving my eyesight. I woke up with pains in the back of my eye, which has been a monthly occurrence for a while now. The only problem was that it wasn't my affected eye that was throbbing. It was my healthy one. I knew that if I went to the optometrist, nothing would come of it. He would tell me I need to see a specialist and charge me $90 for the exam. If I saw my family doctor, she would tell me I need to see the ophthalmologist. If I went to the ophthalmologist, they would refer me to a neurologist. The neurologists have a 3 month wait and I have an appointment booked with one in June. So needless to say, I just got all worked up, cried my eyes out, and hoped I wouldn't start to lose my sight in my other eye. Bryan was very nonchalant about the whole situation, which was just as frustrating. Anyway, the pain went away within a couple of days but left me feeling pretty anxious. The DI department at the hospital continues to ignore my phone calls and messages, which is kind of a joke. So no MRI for me. It would have been nice to see if my brain was starting to fill with holes, but I don't get that novelty I guess.

Still can't get in to see my OB. I had to reschedule my appointment and they put me on a cancellation list 5 weeks ago and never called me back. I just got a regular pap done by my doctor 2 weeks ago and big surprise, no one knows where the results are.

Everything is just a huge frustrating mess. I'm writing finals right now, still working nights which keeps me exhausted all the time, trying to come up with money to support myself for 5 months of unemployment, getting anxious for my last semester in May, and trying to hold on to whatever sanity I have left.

Well that'll be all for now. I was going to end this on a positive note but now I've worked myself up and really don't feel like writing anything else...

Exploring some ideas

I keep forgetting how great yoga makes me feel. I'm going to have to start using it as a motivator to get out of bed and do something during the day. My routines now consist of working, sleeping in, getting up with the dogs, watching tv in bed (the bedroom is the only warm room in our house), making something to eat, cuddling with Byran before work, get ready for work, go to work. My days off are the exact same, except no sleeping in. It's kind of pitiful. I don't even have a desire to eat these days, which is very unlike me.
Today was different. I decided that I was going to clean up the house a bit and ended up dragging out the yoga mat. I did the beginner/intermediate work-out and felt amazing afterward. I had so much energy! I don't know why today was different, I usually try to get at least one yoga session in per week. I have really been in a funk lately though, so maybe it was enough to pull me out for a while. I need to start doing some serious work on my core. My back pain is to the point where it is chronic, and I fear that if I don't do something about it soon it will only get worse. Yoga is the perfect solution, so I'm going to do 3 sessions a week and work up to doing it every day (hopefully).

I have also been trying to think of ideas for me Etsy shop. I have nothing in it right now. I was thinking about selling hand-designed baby clothes, but I'll need to do some serious planning if that is what I end up doing. I have also researched how to make homemade soap. I bought some of the supplies online, but the process is a little scary! You have to use lye, which is toxic and corrosive. You have to heat and mix everything together, using thermometers and gloves, then pour everything in to a mold and let it sit for 3 weeks! I never knew it would be so freaking difficult! It seems like one of those procedures that you get the hang of and can just do it without even thinking after your first few times. We'll see how that goes. Bryan doesn't have much faith, but I think as long as I'm gloved and the animals are out of harms way things will be fine.